maandag 14 juni 2010

Birth of a mother

Almost four years ago, when I became a mother the first time, it hit me hard. My deepest me was touched in a way that I could never have imagined. There was a moment during labor that I felt like I was travelling with dazzling speed through one of those worm-holes in the universe. Spinning round and round to another dimension, to an unknown land far away from everything I had ever known. It was thrilling and exciting and scaring at the same time.

And then there she was, all soft and warm and beautiful and the pond with emotions of love and responsibility opened wide and abundant, never to be closed again. The weeks after her birth were very difficult. (Loosing one and a half liter of blood and having hormones rushing through my veins didn’t help.) Not at all because of baby, little M. She was super adorable and sweet and a champ drinker and sleeper. What made it difficult was the birth of me as a mother. My soul was re-born! And I can tell you: it wasn’t a slow and easy birth. Every vessel in my body was turned inside out and upside down.
  • Something inside woke up and is still awake even when I am sleeping
  • A lion was unleashed inside of me, ready to tear everything and everybody if needed
  • The gearwheels of (coping) mechanisms came to a sudden stop, new ones had to be re-invented
  • My baby became, what Levinas calls, 'the Other', who’s simple being did an appeal on me that I could and can never ignore and walk by without responding.
  • ………in so many more ways my life got so much better by becoming a mother….the best experience ever in my life.

And then, in the darkest hours during this ‘birth’, this poem fell on my doormat, by Michael Leunig.

God be with the mother.
As she carried her child may she carry her soul.
As her child was born, may she give birth and life and form to her own, higher truth.
As she nourished and protected her child, may she nourish and protect her inner life and her independence.
For her soul shall be her most painful birth, her most difficult child and the dearest sister to her other children.


1 opmerking:

  1. I came back and read all your posts. I wish you the best in blogging! It can be a very rewarding thing. :)

    This is a beautiful post! I really liked reading your tender words about becoming a mother. These words, especially, struck me as expressing just what motherhood does to a person: "Every vessel in my body was turned inside out and upside down."

    Very well-put!

    Be well, M!