This morning I read the great blog Heart Stops from a fellow SCA survivor. It shows really well the paradox we/I are in. On the one hand I also feel a deep gratitude for being a survivor with hardly any brain damage. On the other hand being a survivor is also sometimes hard. Like last week, being at the beach, feeling the wind and the sun on my skin. It hits me hard to realize that I am not 'just standing there'. It feels like there are Capital Letters everywhere, shouting to me: YOU ARE STANDING ON THE BEACH!!! YOU!!! This is NOT to be taken For Granted!
It still feels like a lot of things are new in a way. Every 'first time' is something I am aware of. The first time on the beach, the first time I saw the leaves coming in spring, the first time I saw the same leaves falling in autumn. At those times I also realize that there will be a time that it will be my last spring, my last autumn. Hopefully I will be very old and grey and wise and with a certain resignation.
I sense a certain anger in my body...death knocked on my door!!! Why me? Why not me? Are life and death so arbitrary? THAT I find so shocking! If there is no higher plan, then what is there to sooth me, to embrace me, to comfort me? This is what I struggle with. It is like Irvin Yalom says: it is like staring at the sun with you eyes wide open. Pretty painful sometimes.
So that's the paradox I guess, I am alive, but by being so I can spend hours upon hours being aware... But I do want to thank Marty from Heart Stops, for also thinking about the not so lucky ones and sending condolences to all families who have to bury their loved ones.
dinsdag 22 november 2011
maandag 21 november 2011
Lovely Etsy scarf; I can sure need one of these today, because I am home sick with a super sore throat and no voice left to talk with! Thank God my mom is here to watch my kids. She even picked up the vacuum cleaner and is ironing all the laundry. Me? I can jump back in my bed to get some extra hours of much needed rest. Thanks Mom!
dinsdag 15 november 2011
Dutch Landscape & Urban Lanscape
We had to do landscapes, pretty hard this one. For reasons that I won't complain about. This is going to be my entry tomorrow. I really like all the sunny sky's and it reminds me of a beautiful day with dear friend L. :)