Meme

I love reading blogs about women who live in Paris. I love reading about their lives and it brings the city I love the most a little closer to the flat land of Holland that I live in. So today, while reading the blog of An Alien Parisienne, I came across this meme. And I have a thing with lists.... so here I go.

1. What is happiness for you?
How many pages can I fill? Endless.....such a hard question, and easy at the same time...

Happiness is being with my two girls (almost 4 and almost 1), seeing them discover the world, language, their bodies, the range of emotions, asking me questions all day long, their total enthusiasm, their laughter, their jokes.
Happiness is also feeling stronger and stronger about going the path that my soul is telling me to go. So today I went to Groesbeek (Holland) to check out about a course on the ZKM (or in English "Dialogical Science") and I can tell that this is the way for me.....my guts are very clear.

2. What is your favorite memory of childhood?
The feeling of endless time, of being in touch with the world, my dreams, my fantasies, the feeling of total flow. I literally believed I could fly. Sky High!

3. Do you like the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert?
Honestly, I started reading with a bit of restraint. Too popular, too shallow? But I gotta say I quiet liked it. Her writing was sometimes funny, her journey many times interesting (even though as an officially trained "philosopher" I have some doubts and questions here and there), and her love story, although a bit too much "blue-lagoon", many times entertaining during the warm summer nights we have been having the past days.

4. What do you think is the worst social problem facing the country in which you are living now?
We just had elections and this fellow 'Wilders' won tons of extra votes. He has some nasty thoughts on Islam and is very short sighted. People from the government are now trying very hard NOT to get him in our government, which makes the guy angry, and all the people who voted for him. Honestly, I don't care that much about him. What does make me worry is that apparently thousands and thousands of people like what he says. Are those my fellow citizens? Really? How in the world can they agree with the stuff he says.

5. If you like pizza, what are your favorite toppings?
Love it: pepperoni + veggies

6. What’s your favorite holiday?
City trip to Paris! :) The trip we took to Tibet came close to favorite, but camping in the south of France comes close to the title as well....the smell of lavender, the markets, the peaches...mmmmm

7. Who is the most annoying celebrity? Why?
The Olsen Twins? Cuz everytime they look like they just cried a million tears and not know how to grow up. Much more interesting are my favorite celebrities: Cate Blanchett, cuz she is stunningly beautiful and a fantastic actress. Or Benicio del Toro: don't you love the way he walks? Or Julie Delpy for making the fun film: 2 days in Paris. Or the writer Kader Abdolah, cuz he fled from Iran, learned Dutch and lifted our language up to a magical level...and...and...and...

8. Is it better to be physically attractive or intelligent?
Experiment 1) PA? Yes please, but in addition having boring conversations, no humor, no development, no sense of perceptiveness...? No Thanks!
Experiment 2) I? Yes please, but in addition not a six pack, beautiful large eyes, bright straight teeth or whatever is attractive? Ok, there are limitations, there needs to be some PA, but to me Intelligence can be a total turn on!
Conclusion: Intelligent is the winner, but physical attractiveness not the entire loser.

9. City or countryside? ‘Splain.
Used to live in Amsterdam for 15 years and LOVED it. Now in a much smaller town, close to the countryside and I LOVE it. For now, countryside wins. With my two girls, having a much bigger house, having a garden to have dinner in, having farmers to go to and see the cows, sheep and goats. But, when the kids have moved out (please not now) and when we made a bit of money....a nice apartment near one of the 'Negen Straatjes' will be hard to resist. (And of course, in addition, a little studio in Paris for the weekends)

10. What do you really think about memes like these?
I like them, they make me think and dream about certain things again. Plus, they are a nice 'writing assignment', on days when inspiration for blogging is hard to find.

I will think of some questions myself in the near future.

Birth of a mother

Almost four years ago, when I became a mother the first time, it hit me hard. My deepest me was touched in a way that I could never have imagined. There was a moment during labor that I felt like I was travelling with dazzling speed through one of those worm-holes in the universe. Spinning round and round to another dimension, to an unknown land far away from everything I had ever known. It was thrilling and exciting and scaring at the same time.

And then there she was, all soft and warm and beautiful and the pond with emotions of love and responsibility opened wide and abundant, never to be closed again. The weeks after her birth were very difficult. (Loosing one and a half liter of blood and having hormones rushing through my veins didn’t help.) Not at all because of baby, little M. She was super adorable and sweet and a champ drinker and sleeper. What made it difficult was the birth of me as a mother. My soul was re-born! And I can tell you: it wasn’t a slow and easy birth. Every vessel in my body was turned inside out and upside down.

• Something inside woke up and is still awake even when I am sleeping
• A lion was unleashed inside of me, ready to tear everything and everybody if needed
• The gearwheels of (coping) mechanisms came to a sudden stop, new ones had to be re-invented
• My baby became, what Levinas calls, 'the Other', who’s simple being did an appeal on me that I could and can never ignore and walk by without responding.
• ………in so many more ways my life got so much better by becoming a mother….the best experience ever in my life.

And then, in the darkest hours during this ‘birth’, this poem fell on my doormat, by Michael Leunig.

God be with the mother.
As she carried her child may she carry her soul.
As her child was born, may she give birth and life and form to her own, higher truth.
As she nourished and protected her child, may she nourish and protect her inner life and her independence.
For her soul shall be her most painful birth, her most difficult child and the dearest sister to her other children.

Amen.

Digital journal

I guess you could say that writing is as natural as the air I breath. Even though I don't do it as often as wanted (and needed!). But as soon as the alphabet made sense to me, the words started flowing on paper. Reading through them (every now and then) makes me realize how much I need to express my thoughts. When not shared on paper or in words, face to face, something inside is making me restless. Nervous, losing ground, losing connection; to my inner voice, to the people and world around me.

Do you know those people who can e-mail one or two sentences and that's it? Not me! E-mailing with friends is like writing chapters of books. Friend L. and I have writing well....about 5oo pages so far...and friend H. and I decided to write postcards and letters by hand sending them by old fashioned mail. Both so valuable!

So why a blog? Because writing for just me, myself and I feels a bit lonely. And I don't want to 'bomb' my two ' writing friends' with all the stuff I want to say. Writing for and with someone just feels so much better. I am in need of connecting! Keeps me sharp, gives me purpose, exercises the mind. So here is a start.

And alas...I am not creative (but will write about creative people often), not a great cook or gardener or sewer, I guess you can say there is a pretty serious side to me, tests showed I am quiet introvert (INFJ), and I can't take great pictures (yet)! But still I hope to connect with some nice people through this blog. Like meeting pen-pals in the 80's. Mine lived in Hong Kong, Russia, United States and Holland. Were did yours come from?

Started: Finally!

Yes! I did it! Finally started a blog.
The idea was roaming in my head for quiet a while and this afternoon while my baby is sleeping and my toddler is painting...here I am! My first babysteps into cyberspace. Sharing thoughts with other people over the world.

My goal? To meet with other people to start with. Women out there who love motherhood, but who are also deep and sensitive thinkers. Who wonder about life in general, their kids and deeper subjects of the soul. Of personal growth.

To be honest: I am not a native English speaker. So please excuse me for my (not to perfect) English. But by writing in English I would like to expand my range of readers.

I am thrilled to have started on this journey: and we all know it is the journey that matters and not so much the final destination. Wisdom can be found walking the way.