dinsdag 22 november 2011

Just some thoughts again on SCA

This morning I read the great blog Heart Stops from a fellow SCA survivor. It shows really well the paradox we/I are in. On the one hand I also feel a deep gratitude for being a survivor with hardly any brain damage. On the other hand being a survivor is also sometimes hard. Like last week, being at the beach, feeling the wind and the sun on my skin. It hits me hard to realize that I am not 'just standing there'. It feels like there are Capital Letters everywhere, shouting to me: YOU ARE STANDING ON THE BEACH!!! YOU!!! This is NOT to be taken For Granted!

It still feels like a lot of things are new in a way. Every 'first time' is something I am aware of. The first time on the beach, the first time I saw the leaves coming in spring, the first time I saw the same leaves falling in autumn. At those times I also realize that there will be a time that it will be my last spring, my last autumn. Hopefully I will be very old and grey and wise and with a certain resignation.

I sense a certain anger in my body...death knocked on my door!!! Why me? Why not me? Are life and death so arbitrary? THAT I find so shocking! If there is no higher plan, then what is there to sooth me, to embrace me, to comfort me? This is what I struggle with. It is like Irvin Yalom says: it is like staring at the sun with you eyes wide open. Pretty painful sometimes.

So that's the paradox I guess, I am alive, but by being so I can spend hours upon hours being aware... But I do want to thank Marty from Heart Stops, for also thinking about the not so lucky ones and sending condolences to all families who have to bury their loved ones.

2 opmerkingen:

  1. I logged on today to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, though I know this is purely and American holiday.
    And there I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes.
    Thank you Miss Wonder in the Netherlands.
    (and yes, some time ago, I wrote a post entitled "the right to goof off" --- paradoxes abound. Have a wonderful day.

  2. Eindelijk reageer ik op jouw blog, Marije. Je gelooft niet hoeveel indruk 'jouw verhaal' op mij gemaakt heeft en hoe vaak ik op de fiets niet even denk: mijn hart kan er gewoon hier en nu de brui aan geven. Zomaar.
    Het (onterechte) vertrouwen in het leven, dat jij niet jong zal sterven, dat is helemaal weg. Ja, hoe ga je daarmee om? Het is keihard, maar eigenlijk staan we allemaal met die realiteit in het leven, al beseffen we het meestal niet.
    Maar wat ik wil zeggen is dat ik je dapper vind omdat je zo eerlijk schrijft over wat jouw hartstilstand met je doet en ook dat ik je graag blijf volgen.