I really like these new words...Sudden Cardiac Arrest. I don't know why. Because I am Dutch, the English language doesn't come naturally and I learn every day. I always talked about having had a heartattack, but I didn't, I had a SDA. Learning about it, made searching the internet a lot more interesting. Finally I found fellow survivors.
You know, I don't really feel like joining groups at the hospital. There are several out there, but mostly they are for people who have some serious brain damage and some serious emotional problems. Eventhough it took me a year to recover (and still not back to the old me), I feel that I don't need such a group. But I do feel a strong need to share, to talk about it over and over and over. And since I know nobody who had this, I do feel lonely every now and then. Having had a SDA also fueled my philosophical brain. What I struggle with are questions like: I am a survivor and it feels like a gift. Who am I to recieve such a giant gift? And why did the woman who was living only a few doors down the road die? What's the difference between us?
You know, I don't really believe in a God who has a plan. I guess I am strongly influenced by philosophers like Heidegger who write about Being and Nothingness. I very much liked Zen texts that I read at Uni. There is Being....without any question.....and it goes on and on and on.....without a plan, just random? Lets say there is no plan, that every thing just happens without a cause or reason...even then I want something to hold on to. This brings me to thoughts like: "what is the core essence that unites every single being?" "I survived and I live in such a rich world with such abundance...why me? It feels so unfair to all the people who did die. I sometimes struggle with being a survivor. It is so hard to wrap my mind around it. I survived!!! I catch myself often, thinking "of course I survived." But these thoughts come from a place where my own death is almost impossible to imagine. Of course I live, of course I will be 96 like my granny. Of course all those people who die young did something different in there lives, like smoke, or eat the wrong food, or have bad genetics. But me? Hell No! I didn't do all those things and have good genes so I will live! That also gives me a feeling like: "you all tell me that something really bad happened, but I don't remember a things, so Yeah Right! Why should I believe you?" And then it is only a small step to the bathroom mirror that shows me my scar every day. My ICD is there because there is something going on.
So I can not really put my finger to it. What is it that I am struggeling with? Am I expecting from myself to have a 'Lightbulb Moment' and start living my 'Best Life'? Honestly, haven't seen many lightbulbs yet? Advice? Anyone?
I guess the road I was and still am walking on is a good one. I already knew that wisdom is realizing that we know nothing. That there are no real certainties in life, except the fact that we will all die! :) This reminds me of one of teacher who asked us one day: "Ladies and Gentlemen: why are you here?" "Well, we would like to learn about philosophy!" "Wrong!" "Because we want to get a degree and payed good money, so we'd better get what we payed for!" "Wrong again:
There is only one reason and it is: You are here because you are going to die! If there is no death, you would not be here. You would be doing other stuff. Or maybe you would do nothing at all, for eternity will make you lazy, will make you roam around in life." And of course this is so true, but now that I am writing this, questions arise: "How do I relate to eternity?" "How do I relate to mankind?" "How do I relate to history?" I guess it all comes down to: "What is the meaning of life? What is my meaning of life?"