zaterdag 10 juli 2010

Torn between two...

To all the mothers out there...I have a question. Do you also have the experience of being torn between being a mother and loving it many, many times and (on the other hand) feeling a drive to do more (creative things, reading, meeting friends, getting another job, doing a year in coaching people). Honestly, I feel torn quiet often. I wonder why the feeling of restlessness is so hard to deal with.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I have such a vivid imagination. I daydream a lot and in my dreams things mostly go smooth and easily. But everyday life is a lot more challenging in the sense that is calls for a more ' zen' / ' living the now' attitude. My coach pointed out to me that I have very high expectations for myself, so high, that almost always, there is only one result: failure. In the sense that I can never meet those expectations because they are unrealistic. One big lesson in life for me is learning to take small steps, to treasure them and enjoy them and not think to much about all the other things I would love to do and experience. A lot of small steps take me a long way.

Another thing that makes me restless is the fact that since I am a mother I became a lot more aware of the fact that I am mortal. This may sound serious or scary to some people, but it is in my awareness and is hard to ignore. It makes me realize that there are as many lives to be lived as there are people on this planet. We are all different and all one at the same time. We can't have it all. Not that I want to have it all, that's not it. Being aware of my mortality puts me on the ground with both my feet. Makes me feel humble. Makes me feel like we are all just a drop in the ocean. It makes me crazy, scared and gives me the feeling of: 'this is it'. And when I let it sink in a while and embrace all the feelings that are there, in the end almost alway I feel grateful I can say: thank you, it's ok, my life is good!

A while ago, I bought a book called Voluit Leven, it is a Dutch book on mindfulness and it is really good. It is all about saying YES to everything in life, the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe I should do all the exercises more often, just to keep me grounded, to keep me feeling connected to the world and the people in it. One of the little steps in keeping myself connected is to call the people of the ZKM school that I want to participate in. I 'll keep you all informed. LOVE!

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