Guess where I have been?

Voluntarily? Not quiet! A good time? Yeah, kinda. We were invited to go to Eurodisney for a few days. Each time I told people I was going there, they got this look on there face, followed by the question: "Voluntarily? Cuz that is so not you!" They are right, I wouldn't have chosen this trip myself, but we had a good time with the whole family. My two girls in a hotel for the first time, having a buffet diner with tons of new food to taste. My oldest indulging in all the delicious french cheeses and me eating all you can eat Tarte au Citron, which is my all time favorite. Plus: lots of colours, lots of nice shapes, so lots of pictures were taken.

The trip did contrast with the book I read recently: Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Just Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. This book is so Me! Every word and every sentence. What I learned from it is how being an introvert is just who I am, by birth. At least for about 50 percent. The brains of introverts and extraverts just work totally differently. Introverts react strongly to stimuli/incentives from the outside world, they soon have enough. They become a bit aloof perhaps. I always say it's like having a big meal...I need time to digest it. I need to digest all the impressions from the world that I get each day which takes up a lot of energy. I have been saying this, and even more so after my SCA, but the world seems to go a couple of steps too quickly. I hate saying this, it makes me feel insecure many times, as if there is something wrong with me, that I am not capable of dealing with the world as it is.

The book also talked about work a lot. About how you need (every now and then) to step out into you un-characteristic self, which is not bad as long as it is founded on a good set of beliefs that give you energy and focus. When reading that I realized it is time (let's say Time!) to look into my beliefs, my values, my fundament. It may seem natural to some, but I have not been in touch with my own fundament for a long time. Not working from my beliefs and having to step out of my introvert nature too often makes me feel a foreigner sometimes.

And I wondered: what if I had died that day? Did I have a good life till then? Or was there (are there) still some unfinished business to do? Am I proud of who I am? Are my actions and my beliefs in balance? Am I living the life that I would like to look back on when I am 85? If I am missing something, then what is it? There is not one awnser, but one is there for sure: I would like to connect more. With myself and others. I need to find a way to work with people on a way more personal level than what I am doing now. Will keep you updated.



Entering new horizons

You know, when something happens to you, it seems as if you’re being introduced to a world within reality that seemed to be closed before. When I was pregnant; all of a sudden there were so many other pregnant women. I sort of tuned into the pregnant-mode which was full of life and excitement. I was transported to an area with ‘pregnant-horizons’, (Gadamer) that added a new and different meaning and perspective to my life.

This time around I was transported into the world of heart patients; a world of life and death. It feels as if I am introduced to a darker corner of reality. There is a different sense of time, of different sense of meaning and language. One of the people who speaks the language of life and death is journalist Jan Greven. He has a way with words, combined with a deep knowledge of philosophy, theology, religion and the meaning of life. He uses these skills: in dealing with the death of his daughter.

In early January I had read a little note in the newspaper about a young woman (38) who had died in her home. She was in my mind for a while, although I didn’t know her. Then later that week I read a column from a former fellow high school friend of mine. She is a well-known writer in Holland and it turned out she had known this woman. I couldn’t help myself but Google her name and found a beautiful website from her father. The way he writes about the loss of his daughter is so delicate, so real and also so moderated. He gently examines his feelings, his life, his thoughts, his believes and the believes of others. Without ever loosing himself in despair or rage. I was I could comment on his thoughts, but I can’t. For those of you who can read Dutch, check out his site! His most recent post about the meaning of Easter, the meaning of friendship, and how friends are necessary for a sense of direction in life is worth reading!

You know, honestly, many times I totally dislike these new horizons that show up in front of my eyes. But reading the posts of Jan Greven makes it all a bit softer.

Heart Energy

Twice a year I have to go the the hospital to have a check on my ICD and it's data. This last Monday I took the train to the AMC Hospital in Amsterdam and was met by a very friendly nurse who followed the procedure.
After that it was a long wait this time to meet THE Professor. He looks like a professor, he talks like a professor....and you can take it both ways. On the one hand I can tell all his cells in his body are absorbed with knowledge about the heart. He breaths cardiology, goes to bed with it and wakes up with it. On the other hand it is hard for him (and many with him) to 'translate' his knowledge to a normal level for a normal person like me.
I feel that they take my case seriously. I know that they know who I am, I am not just a number over there. But for me my SCA is about emotions, for them it's about a mechanical thing, like a car that stopped working.

Another hard thing is that every time I go there I feel that there are new 'diagnoses', new suggestions to be made. This time the professor said to me: "You do have some rhythmproblems, but these ones are not life threatening. These ones won't prevent you from turning 100 one day. These ones don't have anything to do with your SCA!"
"Huh...??? What are you saying, what does that mean?"
"Well we don't know what caused your SCA. We still don't, but it could have been a virus on your heartmuscle for example and not so much some genetic failure in your heartrhythm. The problem we have now is that your ICD does not know the difference between these rhythm problems and 'real' problems with your heart. So this causes some 'noise'. We will talk about this in our team and we may be able to treat you a bit better with some other medication. Treat, not cure."

I walked out the hospital 5 minutes later, feeling totally empty. All the energy was drained from my body. Why, I am not sure. This 'diagnoses' are not completely shocking, although I did think: "but this means that I might have (had) two different things". Being there just makes it real. Super real. For many days on I can 'forget', feeling almost 100% recovered now. (Spring and Summer coming definitely helps to gain more energy) My next visit to the hospital will be different: 1) my husband will be joining me, 2) I will take a day off and do something FUN to get rid of the more negative energy and regain some of my joy for life!