Just a few words

Today, five weeks ago, I got a heart attack. I survived, but she did not. Just a few houses down the road she was a mother like I am. With two kids, just like us. With a husband, family, friends, just like us. With an insanely beautiful house, just....not like us, not yet anyway.
A few words to commemorate her.

Last year on October 18th I told my husband that I would test drive the car we got for a few months from my parents in law. So I drove around a little only to return an hour later, with the street full of police cars and ambulances. We didn't think that much of it; probably some people who got drunk and in a fight while going to a club or so....

A few days later my friend L. was over for a nice afternoon with latte's and talks when we saw a funeral procession going by the house. It made us fall silent for a while and talk about life and death a little. Then the 'home town newspaper' fell on the doormat and then it hit me.
She died. I didn't know her personally, but her name was almost like mine. Her age almost like mine. Her living situation almost like mine. And it gave me a lump in my throat. I thought about her quiet often during the weeks following the news.

Fast forward to late august of this year when I hit the pavement. Tons of people sent me cards and came to visit. So did my lovely aunt and uncle last week.
We were having coffee and were talking about the whole situation when my aunt started telling about this woman she met a few weeks earlier. Her husband and my uncle (and a bunch of other people) used to study together in the 60's and 70's and once a year they meet for a day. This woman told my aunt that her daughter had passed away last year, all of sudden, just gone in her sleep.
My aunt mentioned her name. Mentioned her age. It made me hear an alarm bell in my head, so I told her about the woman in my street. After which it all turns out we were talking about the same person. And it also turns out that she probably had the same kind of condition that I am having. Probably, because the doctors can't test her to be sure.

The past few days I have been thinking about her again a lot more. Trying to grasp our stories. She died. I didn't. That kind of stuff. But I can't grasp it. It is as it is. I wrote her a letter in my journal this afternoon. A letter from a mother to a mother, a wife to a wife, a woman to a woman. I think I don't really believe in a plan from above. In something 'meant to be'. Like 'she left us for a reason'. And if so it must have been involuntarily.

I will try to live my life to the fullest. Do the best I can. And to think about her every now and then. Her story makes me remind myself of the fact that there was an angel on my shoulder. That whatever is out there didn't want me yet. That I am given some extra days on this planet. GRATEFUL is how I feel!!!

Update: life with an ICD

Quiet a few people ask me how I am doing after my heart attack. Thank God I can honestly say that I am doing better and better every day. The tiredness is slowly going away, so I have more energy to do some fun things in and around the house. Like decorating a bit and making photo-albums of my two girls.

Last week I had another EEG of my brain (I didn't look like the guy in the picture though). It was hard for the assistant to get all the electrodes in the right place due to my very thick hair. I helped along as good as I could and we had a bit of a laugh about it all. At first glance they told me it looked alright and I am seeing a neurologist about this matter in a few weeks.

A few days before there was a meeting with the rehabilitation doctor. I had a million question to answer about whether I felt over emotional or the opposite etc. He said I am doing extremely well considering the time between the accident and the appointment with him. I just gotta ' keep calm and carry on' and see how I am doing as I go along.

I also had a talk with the medical officer about getting started at work. He was very reasonable which made me feel a lot more relaxed. I had been dreaming about this doctor being a total jerk wanting me to get started full time right away. We decided to meet at October 25th and then from there on see what I going to do.

In the meantime I am enjoying all the lovely cards I got. The second chance there is for me in life. Now that the 'cloud of tiredness' is gone (almost) I feel the need to dive into books, to indulge in ancient wisdom, to cherish good conversations with friends and with strangers, to embrace life as it comes my way. To WRITE. I need to write a lot more!!! I say this in CAPITAL letters to remind myself what I seem to forget to easily!
Talk to you later!

Thanks: Hennessy Family!!!

This morning I went to the hairdresser first. After that I bought some magazines and went to the thrift store. Getting myself some nice stuff. Treat myself so that I feel alive and loved.
But all these little presents can not compete with the best present I got today: a big bunch of flowers from my lovely Australian friends! Love you guys! Thanks a lot!!! Thinking of you with very fond memories!

Little update about my life....after

I have been home for more than a week and I am doing pretty ok. Feeling very tired is sometimes hard, but when I just keep things calm things are fine. My wound has healed very nicely and the ICD is hard to notice in my body. So I am not complaining.

I have been thinking a lot about what has happened. Michiel, my husband, told me more and more about the evening and about the first night after my heart attack. That was hard to hear. Apparently I looked a bit epileptic and I didn't recognize anyone. Can you imagine? It drives me pretty crazy, knowing that he has seen me like that. That my mom has been standing by my bed, not knowing whether I would make it till the next day. Not knowing if I could ever talk or walk again. Michiel told me that at one point he just had to leave the room. I feel so sorry for him! It must have been horrible. Then I think about my mom, hearing the news and racing to the hospital. Not knowing what she would see. She and my brother has been there as well. Oh my God! Thinking about it makes me cry!

Am I weird about thinking more about my mom in the first place than about my children? They could have lost their mother, which drives me insane thinking about it. But my mother could have lost her child, that makes me so incredibly emotional. Thinking about one of my daughters in the hospital, me standing by their bed, not knowing about what is going on.......it must be the hardest thing in life to loose a child. Thank God I am still here! I feel very blessed! But I don't have this ' I am going to change my life around ' kinda feeling (yet).

Maybe I just shouldn't watch my feelings so much and just take them as they come my way. We went to the neurologist and she said that my brain will be healing for about a year. She also advised me to take things slow. Tomorrow we will see a cardiologist. So more information comes soon.

Thanks for all the wonderful e-mails! Love to hear from you all!

The day my life changed forever

Well, my life did change forever on thursday august 26^th. Let me tell you how.

I had worked all day and went home to pick up the kids from daycare. We have a 'bakfiets', which is a bike with a large wooden bucket in which the kids sit. I was biking home and everything went well. Until I woke up in the hospital a few days later.

Apparently I had a heart attack (can you believe it? I just turned 36?!).
Anyhow, I was very lucky that the moment we fell, there were some people who knew how to do CPR. They started immediately and called the police and the ambulance. They were at the scene very quickly and I was rushed to the hospital. I was in IC for two days during which they couldn't really tell what was going on. There were moments when I didn't recognize my husband and I was just screaming and pulling out needles because I wanted to leave. Thank God, after a day I woke up feeling much better and much to everyones relieve I could still talk and walk and move in proper ways. A little bit of my short term memory has been lost, but everyday it gets better. I can read a book now and remember what's in it.

After I was stable, I was brought to a normal room in the hospital. A few days later I was brought to the AMC Hospital in Amsterdam, where they installed an ICD. The next day I went home, with a few appointment in my agenda for the next weeks. The doctors think I have a Long QT Syndrome, which is hereditary. But no-one in my family died young. On the contrary, everybody gets really old. So we'll just have to wait and see. They are doing an extensive genetic analysis.

I feel extremely calm and quiet inside. Sometimes wondering: is this ok? Shouldn't I be crying about my life almost lost? I guess psychologically it comes at it's own speed. I am not scared about all the emotions, but it seems now, that everyone around me is a lot more emotional than I am. Perhaps when things calm down a little, that my emotions will flow.

For now, I am very tired. So I sleep a little after lunch. Today I am going to town, a 15 walk all by myself. Nobody home today, just me, myself and I. Going to have some lunch in a cafe. Enjoying the wind in my hair and the fact that I can sit there by myself.

But I am grateful! VERY GRATEFUL! About the second change I got!